Hit That Milestone- Down to 278 lbs

Long time without posting in this case means a very busy Summer. I have been doing well- I think largely because if the medication for thyroid. I am not sure but I also think I may be getting too high a dose . I had blood tested today and will know soon enough.

I am at the 278 mark- which is great because I will be getting my period any moment so I should be at around 275 by next week.

Last time I almost hit this weight was last month before camping and I out on 5 lbs.. argh, High heat, no exercise and ice cream. I will be careful this week and stay away for ice cream and marshmallows.

Still taking Meridia but not sure it makes much of a difference anymore and starting to worry about my increased heart rate.

Things We Do To Trick Ourselves Into Eating Foods We Shouldn’t


Sabotaging Our Weight Loss with Crazy Logic

I have several habits I have picked up the years. They make no sense intellectually but I do them anyway. They sabotage my journey to health and undermine my success fat and weight loss yet I do them anyway. Some of them are so ridiculous they are funny.

I wonder what others do to convince themselves to eat things they really should be avoiding? Do you do things that make no sense and have weird justification for it?

1. If no one sees me eat it- it doesn’t count.

Some how the calorie content of food MUST go way down if no one can see you it. Rather than take a piece of cake or brownie or whatever and eat it.. i will go in fridge and eat it behind the door… Or drive to a store and eat a box of peanut brittle in the parking lot. Go into kitchen at party and take cookie/square/food when non one is looking. I know it is not because I am afraid of what they think- it’s because on some level I think it doesn’t count.

2. if I eat it standing up- doesn’t count.

This sort of ties in with above. I I eat at kitchen counter- doesn’t count. Over a batter bowl- nope. Standing at the fridge with spoon of ice cream in my hand- calories magically disappear.

3. I am buying these cookies/brownies/nanaimo bars for the REST of the family.

They may never even see them in truth – or will have one each and the rest will some how disappear. I have even gone so far as to throw out food like this so I won’t eat it.

4. I am baking/cooking it for REST of the family. see above.

5. I will diet tomorrow.

“If I REALLY cut back tomorrow then I will still make my goal weight this weekend”. Healthy eating is a habit- not something you do sometimes. I got to be 300 lbs thinking I would do something ‘tomorrow” . Tomorrow never comes.

6. If I don’t weigh myself I am not fat.

Variation on the if I know what I weight I am will get depressed and eat more. The head in the sand approach. This is sort of like an alcoholic not admitting he is an alcoholic- because if he admitted it – he would have to stop drinking . If we don’t weigh ourselves we don’t have to stop eating and take control.

7. I am not THAT fat.

See above. I started thinking at 318 lbs I might be really fat when I went to my usual stores ( Cotton Ginny Plus) and Land’s End and their largest sizes didn’t fit me. I would have to try on 10 pairs of pant to get one that i could wear. Not look nice- but wear.The criteria for clothes became not if i liked it but if it fit. I would also compare msyelf to others. Somehow seeing a 400 llb woman made me feel better ” At least i am not THAT out of control” . At big functions I would look around and realize that of the 400+ people at the wedding i was the fattest person there. If some one else was bigger- i would be relieved. On some level it meant I belonged with the “other” people.

8. I Can Always Get Surgery.
Yes- if you are healthy enough for the surgery, if you can afford the surgery and the time . If you want to put yourself though that risk. Any surgery- and especially gastric bypass or lapband surgery has risks. There is long recovery time. It does not SOLVE the problem of your eating habits – those you still have to conquer.
I am not against surgery- for some people it is a need or they will die. If you are on the cusp of needing it and using that choice in the back of your mind it is a slippery slope. It is the same mentality of a drunk thinking he will just get a liver transplant if his liver fails.

It was actually this option that lead me to finally get help. I started researching surgery. I discovered I didn’t need it. But it was my last card to play. I would lay awake at night and think if thing get too bad than I will get surgery. When Dr. Wharton ( Dr. Sean Wharton of Canadian Bariatric Clinic) gives his lectures ( which are excellent- if you are able try and got to them- more info here). he talks about his ideas for weight loss- eating small meals, increased protein and fibre, etc really being the the same way you eat and how you would lose with weight loss surgery. This was a light bulb moment for me. I would have surgery to get the same effect as follow his diet advice. OR I could follow his dieting advice and get same effect without the surgery. I have teetered- a lot- but I am 40+ pounds less now than before I met him and making changes that will last forever.

9. My weight doesn’t affect my health- there is nothing wrong with me. ( need to add YET here)

I am lucky. I have excellent blood pressure. My blood sugar is fine. My mom – who has always been pretty thin- tales insulin for her diabetes. My dad who was a professional athlete and has always been in great shape and health now has diabetes. My sister was recently diagnoses with diabetes. I am a walking time bomb. I don’t have diabetes YET.
It like a smoker who keeps smoking because he doesn’t have lung cancer… yet.

I *think* my weight does not affect my health- here is evidence that suggests otherwise.

– a 38 I had to halt efforts to become pregnant because of a gall bladder problem and then had surgery to remove my gall bladder. Ever here the saying ” 40 Fair Female and Fat” Most people who have their gall bladder removes are fair skinned women near forty years old who are overweight. This could have been life threatening if a gall stone had gotten loose.

I have constant back problems. I suffer from terrible sciatica. I am in pain- alot.

10. I am fine with my weight.

No one is fine with their weight when they are fat. People who know me well will at some point comment at confident I am- what a great attitude I have- that they think its great that I have such a healthy self image. I am FAKING it. I kid myself and others.
I pretend that I am not fat and sometimes convince myself I am not.. however my self-loathing LOOMS about me like some suffocating specter. If I walked around showing how I really felt I would be a pathetic mess. If I “acted” fat my husband would not have sex with me. I don’t want my daughter t know how I really feel about my weight.
I don’t want my friends to know at night I think of how much I want to wear normal clothes and wear shoes with a heel.
I am not fine with my weight. I pretend I am so I can get through the day and not hate myself. I am figuring out how to love myself as I am- and accept on a deep level that I deserve to be healthy and fit and live.

Slippery Slope… One’s Too Many and a Thousand Not Enough

The saying in post title refers to the way many alcoholics feel about alcohol. I can relate.

Last week I quasi-binged on these Almond Meringue thingy-s from Costco. I ate about 20 of them in a day… felt GROSS. Calorie-wise it was about 600 calories- but was the sugar that got me going… the next day I has a Werther’s candy from bowl that beside cash at a store.. then I bought a bag of the candies at the grocery store the next day… Went to a potluck the day after that and was nibbling at cheesecake and baklava!

WTF? How’d that happen???? I trace it back to the cookies a few days earlier.
I REALLY REALLY cannot have sugar. It send me into a tailspin that makes me feel out of control.

Sugar is My Drug of Choice

I think may just have to treat it like a “drug” that gives me negative side effects. I am fine when i don’t have have it.. but a little bit can topple me over.
It is embarrassing to have to write this . When I take an honest look at me eating and the fact the I don’t have control over my eating.My first husband was an alcoholic and when we discussed his drinking I could completely relate to feeling he had. He used to say to me “Every day I wake up telling myself I won’t drink… and every day I drink” The despair and total lack of hope in those words still haunts me today.

Canadian Bariatric Clinic- Dr. Sean Wharton 2nd Visit

Had my second visit last week. I met a different “bariatric technician” named Derek who was a little less monotone than Christina. To be fair the clinic gets 15+ new patients a day so must be difficult to keep the information fresh.

I spent about 20 mins with Derek, who was quite kind and gentle- though he admitted he was new to the field. He went over my diet journal and made some comments. I think what happens is he inputs into computer and Dr. Wharton takes a quick glance at it.

Met Dr. Wharton for a few minutes and was given a meal plan. By this- told how many calories to have in a day and what the makeup of those calories should be… At least 90 g of protein and 30 (!!) grams of fiber.
I am to stick to a 1500 calorie plan although I may just do an 1800 calorie one.

I also asked him a bit more about the Meridia- he told me that it was not true that the Meridia boosted metabolism as I was told by my family doctor. He also stressed again the importance of eating slowly.

I am not sure how much to share on this blog0 some of the details are deeply personal. One of the things I discussed with the Doctor was my relationship with food. That I felt I did not eat from hunger or pleasure or comfort- but more out o anger or self-mutilation. This is something I will need to think on. I don’t eat a lot- but I do binge every once in awhile .. so my weight has crept up over the years- about 3 lbs a years for the last 10 years. I so have some eating issues and he recommended I see their on staff Bariatric psychiatrist. So I will think about it.

Glycemic Index Diet, or GI diet and My Dieting History

I thought I knew what this diet was until I started reading book last night . My brother was on the diet last year and I sort of zones out when he was talking about it. I have been on LITERALLY every diet known to man. I have been “fat” since I was 10 years ols. My parents had me in an experimental research lab at 11 years old wearing a golf par counter on my wrist and counting mouthfuls, checking in at medical lab weekly and journaling my eating habits.

My dad was crazy good looking ( cross between Paul Newman and Harrison Ford) and competitive squash player, went to University on Gymnastics scholarship does heli-skiing, etc. My mom is also quite beautiful- although the year of alcohol abuse have taken their toll.
Good lucks were a premium in our home. I think it was an affront to him that he had a chubby daughter.

I find it interesting that all three of the kid have serious weight issues. Neither my brother or sister as severs as mine but both have BMI over 35-40. I struggled my entirely life and brother and sister in their mid-20’s.

At any rate, I have dieted since I can remember. I was on a low-carb diet when i was 15 and lost TON of weight ( though this was probably more because of binging and purging)
I did manage to stay “chubby” well into my 20’snefore seriously packing it on. I went up to 250 lbs and then Slim-fasted my way to 165, and it was then for the first time in my life I felt really beautiful. I remember one day walking down the street and catching a reflection myself in shop window and not knowing who the person was- and then crying because I had DONE it.

Four years later I was got married. I weighed 273 lbs on my Wedding Day (11 years ago).
I hovered around that weight a long time. I even lost some weight when i got pregnant.
I left my husband when my baby was 6 months old. He began abusing alcohol in a frightening way and was become increasingly violent. I met some one new 3 years later and re-married ( he is wonderful). I was still around the 275 mark. That was 7 years ago and I had another baby 4 years ago and now weigh 313 as of yesterday.

In between those years I went to Jenny Craig ( went for 270 to 210… then back again) Weight Watchers ( 3 times). I never had much luck with Weight Watchers- and one week I even gained. Was a vegetarian for 3 years. Joined countless gym’s, hundreds of dollars worth of exercise videos and dvd’s. Yoga classes, Pilate’s, swimming, biking- you name it and and it was always going to be the answer.
I have tried : Fit for Life, Pritikin, Cabbage Soup Diet, Low Carb, Atkins, Food combining , counting fat and fibre grams, etc.
So I am sceptical. I repeat myself- but I am faith-less. Each new diet or program does seem like start of another failure. On the outside I look excited and family and friends would never know. But deep down I feel entirely without hope. I am trying to turn that around- and “behave” my way out of despair, but I have vowed to myself that I will be entirely honest on this blog- and strip my emotions down. I am without hope.
Yesterday I felt a glimmer when I went to pharmacy to fill the Meridia prescription. Last night I read the Glycemic Index diet book. I felt old feeling return. That sensation of- “could this be it? “… and “I can’t bear it if it isn’t. ”