I mentioned that I was going for more first appt. with Dr, Wharton at the Canadian Bariatric Clinic. I was sure what to expect- but several forums had led me to believe that he was very quick to push the Opti-fast program and drugs. The clinic was very busy and to be honest I was put off by the amount of business going on- scales and cases of Optifast were being sold like crazy- there was quite a bit of traffic of people purchasing things from the receptionist and this troubled me- ALOT.

The wait time was much longer than I expected. On a positive note- staff cam out often and were friendly to returning clients patients. There chairs where extra wide and comfortable.

I first saw some sort of intake worker- her role was never explained to me. She rhymed off what felt like a “speil” she had said a thousand times in a quick monotone. At this point I could see no difference between a Jenny Craig office . The selling of stuff from behind the counter was just so unprofessional and it got worse. I had to pay a mandatory 100.00 to receive their special binder and take test using a calorimeter which checked your metabolic rate. Also I had to buy a scale – the ones I saw flying from behind the counter- a whopping 130.00. I filled out a lengthy medical history and chronicled my weight loss attempts and history.

I did express my concerns to Christina that from what I could see it looked like they were positioning themselves to be the next Dr. Bernstein … she was polite and friendly but she did say it felt like a slap in the face. She said that the scale was difficult to find and that it was really a service they were providing patients. I then said- if you were doing a service than the scales would be provided at close to cost and were they- she said “no” and did admit that in that regard it was a business. She made great effort to tell me they were like a family here.

I was weighed and measured and goals were discussed, etc then asked to go back to waiting room to wait for Dr. Wharton. she also explained some of their available services- a psychiatrist ( covered by OHIP) , kenesieoligist (not covered and 65.00) and nutritionist (not covered).

I waited about another half hour – again staff were very friendly and many came out to waiting room to greet patients by name.

I finally went into Dr. Whartons office. He gave me quick medical exam- checking for swelling, rashes and enlarged liver as well as listened to my heart and chest.

I spoke with him for about 10 minutes- not a lot about treatments, etc was discussed- basically had to journal my food, he talked about the importance of understanding food , relationship of carbohydrates , proteins and was adamant that the key was understanding calories and nutrition. And before I left he advised that I attend his lecture coming up on Wednesday.

I left feeling a bit like every other program i have ever tried.. and felt like this was just another business aiming to make money off of weight loss. I also wanted to give it a chance- i have been wrong before about first judgments and after all- this was a bit of a last stop for me before getting weightloss surgery ( WLS) . Nothing else has worked.

I thought I knew what this diet was until I started reading book last night . My brother was on the diet last year and I sort of zones out when he was talking about it. I have been on LITERALLY every diet known to man. I have been “fat” since I was 10 years ols. My parents had me in an experimental research lab at 11 years old wearing a golf par counter on my wrist and counting mouthfuls, checking in at medical lab weekly and journaling my eating habits.

My dad was crazy good looking ( cross between Paul Newman and Harrison Ford) and competitive squash player, went to University on Gymnastics scholarship does heli-skiing, etc. My mom is also quite beautiful- although the year of alcohol abuse have taken their toll.
Good lucks were a premium in our home. I think it was an affront to him that he had a chubby daughter.

I find it interesting that all three of the kid have serious weight issues. Neither my brother or sister as severs as mine but both have BMI over 35-40. I struggled my entirely life and brother and sister in their mid-20’s.

At any rate, I have dieted since I can remember. I was on a low-carb diet when i was 15 and lost TON of weight ( though this was probably more because of binging and purging)
I did manage to stay “chubby” well into my 20’snefore seriously packing it on. I went up to 250 lbs and then Slim-fasted my way to 165, and it was then for the first time in my life I felt really beautiful. I remember one day walking down the street and catching a reflection myself in shop window and not knowing who the person was- and then crying because I had DONE it.

Four years later I was got married. I weighed 273 lbs on my Wedding Day (11 years ago).
I hovered around that weight a long time. I even lost some weight when i got pregnant.
I left my husband when my baby was 6 months old. He began abusing alcohol in a frightening way and was become increasingly violent. I met some one new 3 years later and re-married ( he is wonderful). I was still around the 275 mark. That was 7 years ago and I had another baby 4 years ago and now weigh 313 as of yesterday.

In between those years I went to Jenny Craig ( went for 270 to 210… then back again) Weight Watchers ( 3 times). I never had much luck with Weight Watchers- and one week I even gained. Was a vegetarian for 3 years. Joined countless gym’s, hundreds of dollars worth of exercise videos and dvd’s. Yoga classes, Pilate’s, swimming, biking- you name it and and it was always going to be the answer.
I have tried : Fit for Life, Pritikin, Cabbage Soup Diet, Low Carb, Atkins, Food combining , counting fat and fibre grams, etc.
So I am sceptical. I repeat myself- but I am faith-less. Each new diet or program does seem like start of another failure. On the outside I look excited and family and friends would never know. But deep down I feel entirely without hope. I am trying to turn that around- and “behave” my way out of despair, but I have vowed to myself that I will be entirely honest on this blog- and strip my emotions down. I am without hope.
Yesterday I felt a glimmer when I went to pharmacy to fill the Meridia prescription. Last night I read the Glycemic Index diet book. I felt old feeling return. That sensation of- “could this be it? “… and “I can’t bear it if it isn’t. ”